STAGES OF LIFE

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THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE ---- DRINK
17 ---- beer
25 ---- beer
35 ---- vodka
48 ---- double vodka
66 ---- Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE
17 ---- My parents are away for the weekend.
25 ---- My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 ---- My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 ---- My wife is away for the weekend.
66 ---- My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT
17 ---- sex
25 ---- sex
35 ---- sex
48 ---- sex
66 ---- napping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 ---- "tongue"
25 ---- "breakfast"
35 ---- "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 ---- "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 ---- "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 ---- getting to third
25 ---- airplane sex
35 ---- menage a trois
48 ---- taking the company public
66 ---- Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET
17 ---- roaches
25 ---- stoned-out college roommate
35 ---- Irish setter
48 ---- children from his first marriage
66 ---- Barbi

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 ---- 25
25 ---- 35
35 ---- 48
48 ---- 66
66 ---- 17

IDEAL DATE
17 ---- Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 ---- "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 ---- "Just come over."
48 ---- "Just come over and cook."
66 ---- sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.








THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 ---- Wine Coolers
25 ---- White wine
35 ---- Red wine
48 ---- Dom Perignon
66 ---- Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 ---- Need to wash my hair
25 ---- Need to wash and condition my hair
35 ---- Need to color my hair
48 ---- Need to have Francois color my hair
66 ---- Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT
17 ---- shopping
25 ---- shopping
35 ---- shopping
48 ---- shopping
66 ---- shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 ---- "Burger King"
25 ---- "Free meal"
35 ---- "A diamond"
48 ---- "A bigger diamond"
66 ---- "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 ---- tall, dark and handsome
25 ---- tall, dark and handsome with money
35 ---- tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 ---- a man with hair
66 ---- a man

HOUSE PET
17 ---- Muffy the cat
25 ---- Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 ---- Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 ---- Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 ---- Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 ---- 17
25 ---- 25
35 ---- 35
48 ---- 48
66 ---- 66

IDEAL DATE
17 ---- He offers to pay
25 ---- He pays
35 ---- He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 ---- He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 ---- He can chew breakfast

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